Through the many stages of our children’s lives, there are moments that perhaps remind us of ourselves — or on a deeper level, trigger something within us that feels difficult or uneasy. That is the inner child, or the most tender parts of us, that needs the same love and attention that we give our children.
This recently came up for me as we chose to begin potty training our toddler during the month before she started nursery school. Immediately upon starting school, her accidents became more prevalent and her teachers reported instances of regression. Despite my best efforts, she was sent home wearing a diaper, which broke my heart and evoked thoughts of failure. Now, yes this is hard, yes this is a change and transition for my daughter, but what I want to highlight was MY emotional experience in this. They weren’t exclusively showing up for my toddler (she came home in her diaper prancing through our house proclaiming that she had a great day) but my emotions brought back painful memories of myself in similar situations — where my little body felt too anxious to self-advocate in childhood. Where my voice felt too small and teachers felt too scary. Where I wanted the comfort of my home and to not be in a big, cold school building.
Now, as an adult, a mom, and a therapist, I can confidently say that I have gained many skills in self-advocacy and am successfully able to step out of my comfort zone (after lots of work on challenging avoidance!). What came up for me felt both familiar and uncomfortable at the same time. Almost as if I had been there before. The messages my inner child must’ve internalized during those moments are clearly behind the emotions that came to the surface throughout my daughter’s recent experience
This is where inner child work can be so healing. I am able to speak to not only my daughter, but to a younger version of my past self with kindness, forgiveness, compassion, and hope. I often see in my work that we can use the way that we speak to our children as a model for how we should speak to ourselves. This is a task that isn’t easy, requires practice, and lots of unlearning. But the essence of true self-compassion is to talk to yourself with the same flexibility that you’d offer to a loved one. I encourage you to get curious about changing that inner dialogue. Your inner child is listening.